What they don't tell you/Almost a year later.

August 31, 2016. I had just had dinner with my girl friend Sara. An evening full of advice, laughter, and delicious beer & turkey burgers… I was taking my makeup off, and getting ready for bed.. When my phone rang. It was close to 10:30 at night, and my grandma was calling. I thought that this was rather strange, but I needed to answer. You see, my mom had been in a car accident a few months prior, and had some tests ran that she was nervous about a few days ago.. We had been talking about it, and if this was my mom actually calling from the house phone, I needed to answer.

When I picked up the line, I heard my grandmother on the other side..she was upset. Seconds later, I realized why.. My mother had passed away.

There is a lot of feelings that come from losing someone. They will tell you that grief will have an impact on you differently than someone else. They will tell you that you will go through their things and relive memories when they were here. They will tell you that the next few months might be difficult..

But there’s also a lot of things that they don’t tell you…
They don’t tell you that the holidays will never be the same.
They don’t tell you that watching old videos or hearing their voice, will reduce you to tears, in a second.

They don’t tell you that you will always physically miss them…You’ll never get to hug them again. You’ll never get to hold their hand again. You’ll never get to laugh until you’re both crying… again.

They don’t tell you that the grief never ends.. It’s been a year, and I still grieve my mothers loss every. Single. Day.

They don’t tell you that you may or may not be hopeful that you can reconnect with them. Whether that be in a dream or through a medium…and that you suddenly become open to the idea and possibility of things that you never once thought of.

They don’t tell you how your character will change.

They don’t tell you how you will grow from this.

They don’t tell you that it hurts, so fucking bad some days, you really just don’t want to feel anything…

But they don’t tell you these things, for a reason… Because even though as I sit here now and type them out… I wouldn’t have believed any of these things, until I lived through them. Until I took the time to work within myself, to get over/to get through… these things. All the possibilities around us are constantly changing, and we are constantly in a state of growth…and some of the biggest and most important moments within our journey are not from the trials and tribulations of day to day life…but by the losses that we encounter. By the loss of love. By the loss of family. By the loss of that lifeline that used to be used over stupid things like, “Hey ma, how do I make potato pancakes like ba-ba?” … (I’ll never be able to duplicate that recipe by the way. She was too fantastic).

I would do anything to have my mother back. I think about it more often than not.. I think about all the plans that we had for the future… and it makes me sad. It rocks my world every day, knowing that she isn’t here anymore.

Family & I are getting together to celebrate her life… Thursday, August 31, 2017… will mark a year that you left us momma. <3 We miss you endlessly. There are no words to describe it.