Constant State of Change
What is life? Life is beautiful, life is tough.. Life is a being able to realize that you are living in a constant state of change. While there are some things that remain constants, most of the things in life are moving parts.
I have realized that in order to be in an 'okay place' in life, I need to put in the work to be 'okay'. This includes putting myself in unknown situations, pushing myself to work through the fears and anxieties that plague me, as well as learning that its okay to open up and ask for help. It took a little while for me to realize that I'm not perfect, and that it's alright to NOT be perfect. Surrounding myself with the right type of people, really helped me realize this. It also helped me realize that I might not be 'everyone's cup of tea', and that is completely fine too. I need to do what's best for ME before I can take on the responsibility for trying to impact/help anyone else through out life.
Last week, I started to work through one of the toughest things that I think I might have been through...Confronting my grief in losing my mother. My doctor had told me about this program that is ran by a local church in the area. It's a free 8 week program, that walks you through the 'stages of grief'. If anything, it is a great support system!! I found out about this program last year when I lost my mother, but I told myself that I just needed to be the pillar of strength for everyone else...That I just needed to get through the holidays, and then I would allow myself to talk to someone about it. I truly thought that I was doing okay, and that I had a handle on it. Sure there were times when a song came on, or I saw someone with her hair cut, and I thought about her...Sure there were days that I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry until I fell asleep...But overall, I thought that I had conquered the 'grief' pretty well on my own.
I. Was. So. Wrong.
Here's how the program runs. It's a 2 hour session every Monday night. The first half hour or so, everyone in the program sits and listens to a speaker. Every week there is another topic or "stage of grief" that they tackle. They explain who they are, who they lost, and how it correlates with the topic of the week. After that, you split off into smaller groups based off of who you lost. I am grouped with other people that have lost a parent. Then, once you get to your small groups, you each have an opportunity to talk, and release what ever it is that you need to say...and they try to stay on topic, and give pointers as to how to maybe work through some of the uncomfortable stages that you're going through...but more than anything, THANKING you for being there, and helping you to realize that you are NOT alone. There is a room full of people right there, that are experiencing the same feelings, thoughts, realizations, etc. that you are.
Well, week 1, I got into my small group, and the flood gates opened... I really didn't think that I was going to be affected like that... Not only did I feel every single emotion that I had bottled up and locked away...but I was also slightly humiliated that I was just a crying mess... I mean, I was crying SO hard, that I couldn't even say my name when it came my turn to talk.
It was difficult to get through that.. I really did not want to go back the next week...but I did. This week, I was able to talk. I stated my name, and a little bit about my story. It felt great, actually. The support that I was provided, was something I wasn't prepared for either... here I was, in a room full of people that I had never met...and to think that we were all brought together by the loss of a parent... And I feel closer to these people than some of the long time friends within my life, because they are supporting me through this, when my friends couldn't.
I have six sessions left, but I'm already learning so much... Not just pertaining to grief, but the topics that we are talking about, and how they pertain to every day life. <3
Life is painfully, yet beautifully, short. We should make sure that we are absorbing all of the information, and enjoyment in all the moments that we can... and when the darkness sets, and you might not want to, you have to search for that light.
I have realized that in order to be in an 'okay place' in life, I need to put in the work to be 'okay'. This includes putting myself in unknown situations, pushing myself to work through the fears and anxieties that plague me, as well as learning that its okay to open up and ask for help. It took a little while for me to realize that I'm not perfect, and that it's alright to NOT be perfect. Surrounding myself with the right type of people, really helped me realize this. It also helped me realize that I might not be 'everyone's cup of tea', and that is completely fine too. I need to do what's best for ME before I can take on the responsibility for trying to impact/help anyone else through out life.
Last week, I started to work through one of the toughest things that I think I might have been through...Confronting my grief in losing my mother. My doctor had told me about this program that is ran by a local church in the area. It's a free 8 week program, that walks you through the 'stages of grief'. If anything, it is a great support system!! I found out about this program last year when I lost my mother, but I told myself that I just needed to be the pillar of strength for everyone else...That I just needed to get through the holidays, and then I would allow myself to talk to someone about it. I truly thought that I was doing okay, and that I had a handle on it. Sure there were times when a song came on, or I saw someone with her hair cut, and I thought about her...Sure there were days that I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry until I fell asleep...But overall, I thought that I had conquered the 'grief' pretty well on my own.
I. Was. So. Wrong.
Here's how the program runs. It's a 2 hour session every Monday night. The first half hour or so, everyone in the program sits and listens to a speaker. Every week there is another topic or "stage of grief" that they tackle. They explain who they are, who they lost, and how it correlates with the topic of the week. After that, you split off into smaller groups based off of who you lost. I am grouped with other people that have lost a parent. Then, once you get to your small groups, you each have an opportunity to talk, and release what ever it is that you need to say...and they try to stay on topic, and give pointers as to how to maybe work through some of the uncomfortable stages that you're going through...but more than anything, THANKING you for being there, and helping you to realize that you are NOT alone. There is a room full of people right there, that are experiencing the same feelings, thoughts, realizations, etc. that you are.
Well, week 1, I got into my small group, and the flood gates opened... I really didn't think that I was going to be affected like that... Not only did I feel every single emotion that I had bottled up and locked away...but I was also slightly humiliated that I was just a crying mess... I mean, I was crying SO hard, that I couldn't even say my name when it came my turn to talk.
It was difficult to get through that.. I really did not want to go back the next week...but I did. This week, I was able to talk. I stated my name, and a little bit about my story. It felt great, actually. The support that I was provided, was something I wasn't prepared for either... here I was, in a room full of people that I had never met...and to think that we were all brought together by the loss of a parent... And I feel closer to these people than some of the long time friends within my life, because they are supporting me through this, when my friends couldn't.
I have six sessions left, but I'm already learning so much... Not just pertaining to grief, but the topics that we are talking about, and how they pertain to every day life. <3
Life is painfully, yet beautifully, short. We should make sure that we are absorbing all of the information, and enjoyment in all the moments that we can... and when the darkness sets, and you might not want to, you have to search for that light.
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