Wish I May, Wish I Might... Dream of my mother, again tonight

Dreams are funny things.. There are all of these different interpretations of what things mean in your dreams. I love reading into my dreams.. but sometimes it's hard to pick the significance of what you should look up. There are so many things that happen in your dream, it's hard to know what played a key role, and what you should read into/overlook. Not to mention, if you're anything like me, your memory of the dream, usually is gone by mid-morning, unless i write it down... which is exactly why I need to get this on paper...well, in writing :)

My mother has been gone for almost a year now. It’s so strange to think that it’s really been almost a year.. The craziest thing is that I feel like I feel her around me more now, than I did right when she passed. Shortly after she passed I saw a medium who explained that the souls tend to go through a healing process of their own, and that sometimes it can take months to be able to feel them around us. That’s all I wanted. I just wanted to know that she was still around, because I’m greedy and I want to feel her presences around me.

I have had a handful of dreams about my mother. The first one being that she was talking to my sister and I, but we couldn’t communicate back with her. She just kept repeating “I’m here, why can no one hear me!? I’m right here!” .. It’s haunting if you think about it.. the possibility that a dream is not just something of the subconscious, but a door to a different world. A world in which a passed loved one can actually communicate with us, and it’s real. It’s not all in our minds…

The second time I dreamed of her, I dreamt that she had actually attempted to murder me, with another friend of mine that had just recently passed. When I questioned her why, she told me that she cannot get through to my sister, and she needs to talk to my sister… and my reply to her was “Well you can find your own way because you just tried to kill me, so like hell I’m going to help you!” … I woke up from that one and felt all sorts of emotions.. Firstly, I felt bad. What if this truly was my mother reaching out for help? What if speaking to my sister is her unfinished business? I basically told her to go fly a kite, and I regretted that. I also felt a stir of emotions because Johnny was there. Johnny had passed about a week prior to that dream, so to have both of them together in my dream was very humbling, and overwhelming at the same time. Looking back now, I don’t believe that this was them attempting to talk to me, but my mind trying to create a world in which they were still around. The way that they acted was so out of sorts for them, and I don’t think that this was truly anything more than a dream.

Which brings me to last night’s dream. I was in my mom’s house, and she was in the kitchen cooking. I always always always begged her to make me potato pancakes, because she made THE BEST ones that I’ve ever had in my entire life. She was cooking away, and I had told her that I invited this guy that I had been seeing over to meet her. He was already there, and preparing stuff for what I think was going to be a camping trip.. In real life, I don’t know this man, nor did I recognize him. My mom called me into the kitchen to talk to me, and she looked so beautiful. Her hair was a shade darker than what she normally wore, and she fluffed the front and asked me “Do you like it?!” To which I replied “I Love it!” Then there was some small talk about my life, and this man in the other room, and how unhappy I was. She asked me how things were otherwise, to which I filled her in on the contents of my life. Then she asked me if it was hard missing her, and I broke down. She grabbed me and pulled me in and hugged me and held me while I cried, rolling her hand over my hair and telling me “I know baby, I know.”

I wish I could remember after that, but it’s already slipped away from me. I wish I could have my mother back every single day. The things that we still have left to explore in life together…the things that I’m going to need her for.. The questions that I have.. I hope that someday this pain of missing her will be something a little less sharp. It affects me every single day, and I would do anything to be able to just talk to her one more time. See? See how greedy I am!? First I wanted her presence, and now that I have that, I want more.  

Do you ever have dreams of your loved ones? Do you read into them, or just shake them off?