It's Okay to NOT be Okay...No, Really.

I just watched a quick video on Facebook, and truer words have never been spoken. For those of you that read my blog, you know that I have embarked on an 8 week grief counseling program, and I’m learning how to work through/manage my grief in the loss of my mother and friends. It has not been easy, but it has been good for me. 

I saw this video and decided to listen to what this woman had to say. The video is geared towards ‘Woman going through hell”… But I believe that the things that this woman says in her video, correlates and applies to everyone. I’m only half way through this session, but this video is a pretty great cap of what we are learning about/talking about so far. I thought that this was important, and I’d like to share it with you.

You can watch the video here: TheSceneVideo: Dear Women Going Through Hell...

"Everybody is so uncomfortable with discomfort..." This. Is. So. True. This is what happens when we put that fake smile on and say “no no, I’m fine.” It’s easier to just push the pain under the surface for not only ourselves, but for others around us. By admitting that we are not fine, means that we are going to have to actually talk about it…and that the person that asked you, would actually have to listen. This could potentially make both of you feel discomfort/uncomfortable. It’s hard. It’s difficult, but it’s part of the work that you have to do. Maybe you aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay…but it’s OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. You do not have to be okay 100% of the time! That’s not how life is. That’s not how life works.

Sometimes opening up to even a stranger, and just unleashing the flood gates, is helpful. It seems embarrassing, and believe me it is…but sometimes it’s better than holding it in…Like she mentions at being in the express lane in Target.. sometimes you’re going to need to open up and let it out, and it will happen in unexpected moments, and that’s okay! BE OKAY in not being okay, and tell those around you that you need them to be okay with you not being okay. You do not need to be ‘fixed’, you will be okay in your own time. Just let them know that you need support, not to be fixed.

 “You woke up today, you got dressed, you’re doing plenty. You’re doing fine.” How true is this… This is so true for anyone dealing with any sort of a loss, or even just dealing with depression. Sometimes our minds can be our worst enemy…but when you push yourself through, you wake up, you put on pants…You are doing something. Doing something, is better than doing nothing. Everyone’s journey is different, and no one can tell you at what rate you should be going! Those little victories should be celebrated! :) You’re doing great!!

          The three D’s.

1.     Deny It
2.     Drown It
3.     Discuss it

You know, when I learned about these three things, I thought that the first two were silly…until we further dove into what it meant to be denying/drowning out death and the grieving process…And then I realized that I was guilty of both. How do you deny death? It’s a lot easier than I ever thought it to be, actually… I would go to my grand-parent’s house, where my mother lived at the time, and sit in the living room waiting for her to come down the hallway. I would convince myself that she was still sleeping. Maybe she was camping/out with friends. Even though I saw her in that funeral home, even though I kissed her forehead and said my goodbyes, it was still easier for me to think that she’d be coming down that hallway saying “Hey Baby!” any moment.. It’s easier to deny it, than it is to accept it. Isn’t that true throughout so many avenues of life, though? It’s easier to deny something or push it away, than it is to grab hold of it, work through it, deal with it.

Drowning it. When the speaker first spoke of drowning it, my mind instantly went to alcohol. However, you can drown away anything, with anything. Perhaps you really like math, and you find yourself doing endless Sudoku puzzles. Perhaps you have a nice big closet that you rearrange on a weekly basis. Netflix? Yup, I’m guilty of drowning my grief in anything, to pull me away from the fact that I’m denying myself of going through the work to grieve my losses.

Discuss it. That’s where I’m at now. Let me tell you…it’s so difficult. I will also tell you this, it’s so worth it. Talking about it, may seem silly (or at least it did to me at first)…but it’s really making a difference. I have a good support system of people around me that I consider to be my ‘safe zone’. Some of them have asked me to speak on it, and others are just there to listen when I’m ready. Talking about it is the most difficult thing to do, and it’s often accompanied by tears; that’s okay.

The video also touched on how sometimes people don’t know how to deal with death. She mentioned that the worst thing that people do to her is pretend that her husband never existed.  I’m learning right now that it’s not because people are insensitive and don’t care, but rather, they aren’t sure how to deal with it themselves. This also stems from people telling you to ‘be strong’… It is OKAY to NOT be strong… if you’re dealing with a loss, who are they telling you to be strong for? Themselves? So that they do not have to be uncomfortable in your loss/their loss/the loss of life? Loss/death is not a comfortable thing. Worlds change, people change, and that’s okay.

This entire entry is a lot more whimsical than I anticipated it to be…not to mention a lot longer. However, I guess this is also one of those moments where I just needed to let it out! :)

The most important things that I can say right now about loss, and my personal journey through grief, are the following.

1.     It’s worth it.
2.     It’s difficult, to talk about.
3.     I have my ‘safe zone’
4.     Don’t deny it. Don’t Drown it. Discuss it.

Even in the moments & times that you feel like you are alone, I can promise you that you are not. Find the courage to reach out, because believe me, that is half of the battle. Admitting that you are not okay, to yourself first, is a big step in itself. Do not fear asking for help/reaching out and unloading your feelings and thoughts onto someone.